I suppose I should start with an introduction...I am Amber, a 40 year old visual Artist, fashion enthusiast, book nerd, makeup hoarder, weight loss surgery patient, working mother to a 4 year old daughter, wife to my husband of 7 years, and trying to create some content for other like-minded individuals that may be looking for someone they can relate to.
I am going to start with my weight loss journey, because that is a very important aspect of my life right now, and pertinent to my goals on this blog.
I am about to share some details with the world that I am proud of, but also ashamed to admit...
I had RNY gastric bypass surgery on February 12, 2018. At my highest known weight I was around 328lbs about a year after giving birth to my daughter. I have been heavy most of my life (since around age 6) and I've struggled with all the weight loss gimmicks, diets, healthy lifestyle changes, etc. I've lost hundreds of pounds, gained hundreds of pounds, got healthy, got unhealthy, learned allll about nutrition, cared way too much, and stopped caring at all. I'm pretty sure I am relatively typical when it comes to obese women in the US in most of those respects.
Every wish I ever made on every shooting star, birthday candle, 11:11, 12:34, fallen eyelash, etc, from the time I knew my weight was an issue, til the time I was about 26 years old and started wanting a baby more than anything else (I'll get into that later) I wished for the same thing...you probably already guessed it...to lose the weight. To be thin...or even just thinnER. I honestly didn't even dare dream I could ever be a "normal" weight because it was so outlandish...but if I could just be a size 16? even size 18?...I'd be happy.
I spent about 2 years in my late 20's at my lowest adult size (18/20) after losing 100lbs on the Atkins diet. I got down to a low weight of 213 lbs and it felt amazing. I felt confident, I felt beautiful for the first time in my life, I felt how truly different people treated me, and I was STILL obese...but fast forward into my 30's, I had gained almost all of my weight back after meeting my (now) husband and moving away from my family and friends...he worked nights and I was alone a lot...and probably depressed. In one year I gained at least 70lbs and was never able to get below 250 again after that.
I joined a gym in my early 30's, tried to eat healthier, did crash diets, low carb, low cal, low fat...I felt strong, I was healthier than I probably ever had been but I was still over 250 lbs. I was desperate to be a mother and I had unexplained infertility....after trying for years, I finally had everything checked out...I had blockage in my fallopian tubes due to endometriosis. I had surgery for that....then we went through a myriad of infertility treatments, clomid, IUI's, and finally to IVF. It was very difficult getting the doctors to approve me due to my weight but I had no other health issues and I was told that my age had more of an impact on the health of a baby than my weight did at the time, so we proceeded. I did get pregnant after our first round of IVF and had a healthy pregnancy and perfect baby girl. I gained 50+lbs and was up to my highest ever weight.
3 years later, I had tried everything to get the weight off again. I took prescribed medication from my doctor, even did the HCG diet for a while (500 cals per day, VERY limited foods, etc) and managed to lose about 65 lbs...I was back down to 253 and then it all came back again...in a matter of a few short months.
The thing is, I had considered weight loss surgery in the past.
I never had insurance that would pay for it before, and once I did, I knew that it was not safe to get pregnant afterwards for at least 18 months due to malabsorption and low calorie intake. My desire to be a mother overshadowed everything else for years...but once we had our daughter and decided we didn't want more kids, I started to think about it again.
My husband Joe was diagnosed with type2 diabetes a few years prior and he had been trying to control it with meds and some dieting, but had fallen off the wagon over and over also. He talked to his doctor about gastric bypass as he had read that it could virtually cure diabetes, and his doctor gave him a referral to the bariatric surgeon's group.
I knew that I couldn't just let him have the surgery and not do it myself. For one, even though he was diabetic and had more health issues, my BMI was higher and I had been heavy much longer than he had. for another thing, I knew I couldn't watch him get skinny and stay the way I was...for my own confidence as well as the health of our marriage, I knew we needed to do it together.
After spending a lot of time reading and watching real people's accounts online about their experiences with WLS, I decided to make us an appointment to attend a seminar in October of 2017.
From that seminar, we scheduled a consultation with the surgeon, and after that we were given a packet of all the information we needed...and all of the appointments, clearances, and other things we needed to complete to fulfill the insurance and the bariatric program's guidelines for approval.
Not once did I second guess my decision once I made it...I decided to wait until the new year to do all of my prerequisite appointments, trying to be money conscious so it would all apply to the new year's deductible, and we had our insurance changed to a lower deductible plan the following year. We had saved enough money to cover our deductibles and I accomplished all my requirements by mid-January and was approved for my surgery.
On January 28,2018 I started the dreaded 2 week pre-op liquid diet, weighing in at 315lbs. I drank 3 protein shakes a day, sugar free popsicles, jello and broth for 2 weeks. It was brutal, but I managed to lose 18lbs in 2 weeks, so the day of surgery I was 297 lbs.
I was not afraid of the surgery. I was nervous about learning how to eat, a little bit nervous about pain from surgery, but I never once regretted my decision. I didn't get that "buyers remorse" a lot of other WLS patients talk about...I think because I had made up my mind...I watched SO many you tube videos from other WLS patients, looked at so many before and after photos...I was determined. I was prepared. 3 months after my surgery, Joe had his, and since then we have been an unstoppable force.
We have both been a success story thus far...Joe has lost over 160 lbs in 9 months, and I am 13 1/2 months out now and down 160 lbs as of last weekend...I currently weigh 155 lbs...I am only 8 lbs away from being within a normal BMI range. That is something I have not been since I was a VERY young child...
I went from a TIGHT fitting size 28/3x-4x to a size 8-10/M-Lg. I am still getting to know my new body, my new self...because it is not just my body that changed, but my life.
It's incredible how different I feel emotionally & mentally, aside from the obvious physical differences. The way other people respond to me in general...they are more kind, friendlier, more receptive, less irritated by my general presence. People are more willing to smile at me, provide casual touch in conversation, or even just engage in casual conversation they had never bothered with before. I feel like I am actually treated and respected as a human being, not the proverbial elephant in the room...in a strangely literal sense. I no longer make other people feel uncomfortable to look at, which, in turn, makes it much easier for me to live my life, knowing people are not judging me immediately without knowing me. I actually FINALLY have a chance to let people see me for what and who I am first, before they decide whether they want to know more. Before they can decide whether they think I am worth knowing just by looking at me.
Even though I have always been an interesting enough person with plenty to offer, there are a select type of people that accepted me and gave me a chance without immediate judgment. These are true friends...but I can't fault all the people who DID judge me before, because it's not their fault that society creates a sort of forcefield around anyone that looks different or undesireable. I can't change society, and I can't change other people....I could only change me. and I did.
People I have seen every day for years that never spoke a word to me or looked at me, come up to me now to congratulate me.
I've gained so much more confidence.
Life really is so much easier when I don't have to struggle to prove my worth after someone has already decided I have none.
And I am still adjusting.
Losing weight doesn't automatically make me a great person...but it makes the possibility of people seeing the good things about me much easier. It also means I don't have to try so hard to impress people like I used to, and that might bother some people who were used to me doing everything for them without asking for anything in return besides acceptance.
I can't please everyone and I don't want to anymore. I want to live my life. I want to do things I couldn't do before. I want to ride rollercoasters, go zip lining, sit in restaurant booths, travel comfortably in public transportation, walk with a group of people and not be the one left behind, or out of breath...not be afraid to sit on lawn furniture without it breaking embarrassingly in front of a crowd.
I want to be able to shop anywhere and wear ALL the clothes I could never wear or find in my size before.
There are so many things I am just experiencing for the first time. I am kind of like a baby, just learning who I am now and how to navigate this new world that has opened up to me.
Sure, I am still the same person deep down...but I am also changed. I don't think you can go through a dramatic physical transformation and not have it affect you emotionally, mentally...personally.
I know that my struggle with food is not over. I will always love food. I have an addiction...but I feel like this surgery has given me the tool I needed to overcome that addiction. It has given me the opportunity to change my behaviors and habits. It has created physical restriction with consequences, but also has forced me to make better choices. It is NOT the easy way out, I will have to take supplements for the rest of my life. I could have complications later on, I have to be very aware of what I am eating and putting in my body...and I have to make sure I keep dilligent or the weight will easily come back...but it was the last resort and the best decision I could have made for myself.
For those of you that are thinking about having weight loss surgery, I say do your research, read other people's accounts, weigh all the pro-s and con's...the statistics are something like 3-5% of all obese people are able to be successful at long term weight loss. that is an insanely small number.
with the surgery, it brings you up to 50%...those odds seem a lot better.
If you've gotten this far, thank you for reading...I wanted to make sure I wrote all of this in the intro so later on I can get into the fun fashion/beauty and lifestyle stuff...but I needed to give my background story to set the stage.
I am very much looking forward to the next chapter in my life...I've always been passionate about fashion and even went to Art school in the hopes of being a fashion illustrator right out of high school. My dream was quickly squashed when I realized I was probably in the wrong place since I didnt know how to actually sew clothes...and I honed my skills at visual art, which I am still passionate about, but the fashion kind of fell by the wayside for a long time.
Even as a plus-size girl, I loved expressing myself through my clothes, but it was a struggle. I am having so much fun shopping now, learning what my new "style" is, because it's definitely different now... & learning how to dress my new body on a budget (considering I've had to replace my wardrobe every few months)...and I want to share what I learn and find with others that have similar interests.
I love watching fashion videos and reading tips from other people that might have similar body types...but I've noticed that social media is currently lacking many fashion guru's in the WLS community...plenty of plus size girl fashion, plenty of weight loss vlogs, but very few post massive weight loss...and let's face it...a size 10 body with 20lbs of extra skin looks a lot different than a size 10 who has never been heavier. There are struggles, there are obstacles...there are challenges that I am fully ready to accept and face head-on...and tell you all about them!
I am hoping to figure out how to create useful video content eventually, but for now, I will start with this blog...and you can find me on instagram for now @artchikk for daily outfit inspiration.
I hope to make this a regular thing...please feel free to comment or ask any questions. I would love to get to know some more people with similar views or thoughts, or even anyone struggling with their own journey who just wants to chat.
thank you for reading
