Maintaining balance when career and passion clash

Well hello there friends...I know it's been a long time with no word from me...

First of all, it's Winter and despite there still being the same exact 24 hours available every day, due to the lack of daylight hours I always feel like I am rushing with no time to finish anything.
This, along with the fact that I was promoted about 3 months ago to a relatively demanding managerial position at my job, basically has made it impossible for me to find much time to do anything outside of being stressed out and then doing my best to try to wind down after the stressful scenarios are over.
Hence, my lengthy blog hiatus.

My job is finally starting to stabilize and I am feeling more comfortable and confident in my new title and responsibilities each day. I work in health care/insurance and authorizations which is really the polar opposite of being a freelance artist or personal stylist/fashion consultant, which, if you know me or have been following this blog for any amount of time, you may know is really where my heart lies.

The career of my dreams is not necessarily completely out of reach, but for the time being it is not really feasible for me to persue, and so here I remain, doing my best to maintain a balance between a utilitarian career that pays the bills and a dream to make a living from something I truly love.
It's the dream, right? I heard it all the time growing up--"choose a career doing something you love," but I think that those lucky enough to have found this type of career that also pays the bills are a rarity.

I've always known that I loved art and fashion...At age 9, I declared I was going to be a fashion designer.
I never actually learned to sew clothing, but by the time I was in high school, I had entire sketchbooks book full of fashion drawings and clothing designs dreamed up. I had no idea what it took to become a fashion designer- I had no references, nobody I knew had ever done it or anything like it. My grandmother that I saw maybe once every few years was a "seamstress" which I never associated with fashion designing, and we were never close enough for me to even feel comfortable with approaching her to ask questions.

When it was time for me to choose a college education, I stuck to my guns...I wanted to be a fashion designer...I thought that since I couldn't sew, I could just be a fashion Illustrator and there would be other people who could look at my drawings and make the clothes...Looking back at this time in my life and these decisions, I realize that I was a little delusional thinking this was a valid career path. Not that it can't be done or hasn't been done before, but it's not exactly something you can just apply for a job in.
So, I pursued Illustration as a major because I loved to draw and Art was always my passion.
As I attended my first semester at an elite art school, I began to realize that although I loved art and illustration, and I was very good at it, this was not  really the career I envisioned for myself and everything kind of fell apart. I think I spent so long being so sure of what I wanted to BE, I never really considered how I could become that...or what it would take for me to get there...I had not thought through the steps or developed any backup plans....so I left art school, deciding that I needed to come up with something that I could do realistically with my skills.

I decided on Art education.
Why? because I loved art classes. I loved making art, watching other people make art, using artistic materials, and it was something I was good at. I loved my Art teachers and always felt comfortable and accepted in that environment and around those like-minded individuals.
I went to community college, got my associates in Art, and then on to finish my education at UIUC...I completed my Student teaching and left with a Bachelors in Art Education.

Obviously I am not an art teacher right now.

Some days I feel like I regret not going into that field after college graduation...but most days I remind myself how much I hated the school politics and all of the stupid trivial crap about the education system that basically turned me sour.  I loved teaching. I was good at it, but I was not ready to commit to a career that would turn something I loved into something I would come to hate.

Back to the drawing board and back home for me.
I was lost. I was immature. I was not thinking about my future or my career. I was living in the moment, being young and needed a job.

Roughly 20 years later, here I am, working in a field farthest from what I ever would have imagined, doing a job that I am good at but requires absolutely none of my artistic talent or passion.
My sister always told me she was envious that I always knew what I wanted to do...but I feel like it gave me tunnel vision.
There are probably 50 other careers I could have gone into that I would have enjoyed, but I never felt confident enough in anything other than art, and I didn't feel confident enough in myself in general, to pursue a freelance career that could sustain a stable income.

So here I am, 41 years old, married with a 5 year old, a dog, a cat and a mortgage, with this newfound self confidence, wondering how I can make this strange career I fell into, make me feel like I am not wasting my life.

Fashion.

It's my north star.

My passion.

Such a strange thing to realize.
I've never been particularly superficial or cared at all about labels or brands...never really cared much about trends or being stylish, but I have ALWAYS longed to be able to wear interesting clothing. It's a way to show the world who you are without even opening your mouth.
I've always been drawn to outside the box style. I love makeovers and watching people transform just by changing their clothes or hair or makeup. I am obsessed with the idea of watching people gain confidence they never knew they had by finding an outfit that flatters them and makes them feel more attractive. It really works. It's not superficial or stupid or meaningless...it's a body to mind transformation and it is real!

Losing the weight that held me back for most of my life has truly made me consider so many parts of my life that I wish I would or could have done differently...The weight was not really the issue, but the confidence it stole from me created a barrier between my reality and what I thought I was capable of.
This is one thing I have been reflecting on a lot recently. Maybe it's the stress of my job, or my newfound confidence that I am capable of so much more than I ever gave myself credit for, but it's always been there in the back of my mind, waiting for me to find "what I want to be when I grow up."

I still don't really know how to make a living at it, but I have recently discovered an online course created by a successful personal stylist that I would love to enroll in. I'ts not exactly going to get me college credit or certification of any kind, but it is a start. I could learn basics of what it takes to get into the business or make it into something I could do for an actual living...
I just might need to stop buying clothes to afford it though.

I don't have the time or money to actually go back to school. I still don't know if I could even find a school that offers the kind of education I am seeking, but I do have an ambition, however far fetched it might be, and that is something I have not had in a very very long time.
I will keep waking up every day and spending an hour or two a week playing with my wardrobe because it invigorates me. It keeps me feeling alive, it makes me feel like myself, and even though I'm not reveling in a lucrative fashion career, I am being as true to myself as I can be while trying to maintain balance, and that is how I stay sane.

I'm not obsessed with fashion because I want to impress people or look attractive.
I am obsessed with fashion because it brings me all the joy. Judge me. :D