Ideas and Volunteers

Hey everyone...

I have a pretty terrible cold right now which is unfortunate since I did finally get myself a video camera and I am all ready to start filming vlog entries but now I have no voice, haha...so for now, I'll just update here and hopefully once my voice is back to normal I will be able to find time each week to film a little video for you all!

I've been posting to Instagram & facebook daily with my "outfit of the day" for fashion inspiration and it kind of gives me something to look forward to every day even when I am feeling kinda blah. I do sometimes get self conscious and worry that people might be judging me for my weird posts but then I decide that I don't really care, and if they don't want to see it, they can ignore them or block me or delete me. I'm done caring if people want to judge me for whatever insignificant reasons they may have.
I have gotten enough positive feedback that I will keep posting them and I hope that it helps for other people to see that dressing in a fashion forward manner that makes you feel good can actually be super affordable and not terribly difficult.

I am going to poll people to see what they are most interested in seeing...I have a few basic ideas on what kind of content I want to create, but I really want to know what you want to see.
I know my favorite things are watching videos of people trying on different types of clothing from different retailers and seeing how the sizing and shape fits on different body types.
I like knowing before I decide to purchase something online especially, if it will even fit me...and if it fits, will it even look good on me? There are plenty of clothes I see in stores or in pictures and love the idea of it, but have no idea whether it will work on my body shape.

Eventually I hope I can convince some friends and family members to contribute with me too...I could do shopping excursion videos on thrifty/budget friendly shopping, taking other people hunting for outfits, talk about how to create an outfit from different pieces...how to get the most bang for your buck by mixing/matching and styling with accessories.
I'd love to do some makeovers too! I love watching those haha...I always wanted to pull a Stacy London and Clinton Kelley from What Not to Wear...just take someone shopping and pick out all kinds of stuff for them to try on.

If anyone is interested in being my guinea pig, please speak up! (just FYI though, I do not have money to pay for your clothes so you'd need to come up with a budget for me).
We could even go to stores and try things on to see how they look in the dressing rooms without even purchasing anything...I love watching the "dressing room" videos too.

I can do some videos on how to create new looks with pieces I already have in my closet (or with friends/family members with their own clothes in their closets!)...I think sometimes people have plenty of old things to work with but they maybe need a fresh set of eyes to look at them and see how to make them work in a new way.

If anyone reading this feels like they might want to participate or contribute please, please send me a PM through social media or text me if you have my #. I would absolutely love to do this! Any size/shape/age, etc. I am willing to work with any budget, and I can even help with makeup...I'm no professional or anything but I can usually come up with a pretty decent look.

My schedule right now is a little bit limited to weekends mainly or sometimes Tuesdays or Fridays in the evenings but we can totally make something work. I live in Cary, IL and work in Schaumburg, so I can meet up after work pretty easily on a Tues or Friday if you're nearby.

I am really excited about this idea, and I hope you are too. Please don't hesitate to leave me a comment or message me if you have any other ideas that you'd like me to write or vlog about. I am just a fashion and beauty blogging rookie but I am willing and eager to learn.

If you don't already, please feel free to follow me on instagram @artchikk, and I look forward to hearing from everyone about any ideas you might have or any willing participants for a fashion/beauty makeover!

having the feels.

So, I got an emotional surge the other night when I was going through old photos to share on here for my last post...it didn't really hit me until much later, but I realized that looking at the pictures of me from high school/college and my early 20's made me feel super sad...I never thought of myself as a sad person or depressed back then. I know I wasn't completely happy but I didn't really understand how bad I felt until I stopped feeling it. Don't get me wrong, for the most part, I've always been a relatively optimistic person. I've had my moments but I'd say definitely more good than bad...but

for most of my life I felt like I was trapped in a fat suit and nobody could really see me. 

There are so many people I have heard from after weight loss surgery that talk about trying to figure out who they are after they lose their weight, especially after being obese their entire lives...that obesity defined them and now they struggle with trying to find their identity.

In a way I can relate to this...I definitely feel like at a certain point in my life I tried to embrace the fact that I was a fat girl and that I was going to live my life, and do the best I could with what I had. I had lots of experiences that made me feel like I was still pretty, or worthy, but I don't really remember ever not being completely conscious of the fact that I was the biggest person in the room, and that meant that there was always something different about me...something I felt like I had to overcome or overcompensate for...or especially when I was younger, just try to get by without being singled out.

What I am trying to get to here is so hard for me to explain in words.

I've written this out 6 times now and keep deleting it because it's not coming out right.

I think it's kind of like looking in a mirror and seeing your reflection the way you're always used to seeing it, but in other people's view (reality) your image is always slightly different because it's not flipped backwards.

...or perhaps it's similar to recalling feelings and thoughts you had as a child, remembering things now with a fully developed brain and the processing capability of an adult, but knowing you must have processed it completely different at the time because you were just a kid.

But I guess the closest comparison I can come up with is something I don't have any first hand experience with, but may be similar to a Trans-gender person always knowing their outside doesn't match their inside.

I never felt like I matched my inside.

I wonder sometimes if this is actually a common thing...but for most of my life I felt like if only I could shed my fat suit, I could be this super cool, hip, funny, artistic, talented, smart, amazing person that I knew I was, just buried inside these oppressive layers.
Of course I always was all those things...I knew I was, but I also felt like nobody would ever believe it by looking at me.

A lot of that was completely mental and as I got older I realized that it was up to me to show people what I had to offer and try to repress my lack of confidence...I adopted a "fake it til you make it" sort of approach at certain times...which I have to say, actually usually works...If I exuded confidence and pretended to ignore that I was the fattest person in the room, I felt like other people ignored it more too (again, likely mostly in my own head)...but I was still pretending. I was still lying to myself. I tried to keep lying to myself til I believed it...and sometimes I did...but reality always found it's way back. And I have to admit, it was exhausting.

I hate that I had to try so hard.
That I felt like I had to try so hard.
Maybe I didn't, but I definitely felt different. Better. I felt more accepted when I pretended.

It's no way to live though.

I've lived almost 41 years now. I have had more than twice the years of experience I'd had when I was the girl in those photos, but God, I felt her emotions flooding back to me like it was happening to me all over again...like it was yesterday.

I had so many unrequited crushes, so many wishes to fit in, so many people I wanted to like me and accept me and so many rejections.
I know all teenagers go through it, but it doesn't mean it wasn't real or less hurtful.
I want so badly to go back in time, give that girl some lipstick and a cute outfit, tell her she is going to be amazing, tell her that she IS amazing...that people will see her when she just starts showing them.

Obviously I am not so naive as to think that I am unique in having these feelings...I know adolescence is rough for everyone, and I know that was a critical part of my development. I couldn't change it now anyway, and as much as I would love to be able to tell my 16 year old self that someday I would be loved, I used my emotions to create. Sure, I wrote some terrible angsty poetry, and made some super emo art...but it taught me to channel my feelings in a creative way. I believe without the feelings of isolation, I never would have become so passionate about art...and today, that is how I truly define myself.  I am an artist, regardless of how often I am making art, I am always thinking creatively.
I have a hundred un-made ideas in my head at any given moment. I don't think there is a better way to define my soul, honestly.

I don't know if being fat necessarily made me an artist. That's not even what I am trying to say. I actually don't know if I even have a point or if I am just writing because I needed to get it out, but I know that when I look at those pictures, I have so much pity. I have so many wishes...I love her so much and I hate her naivety. I cringe when I remember some of the things she said and felt and did...and I want to cry and laugh and forget.

I think about my own daughter and how badly I hope for her that she doesn't have to go through what I did, and at the same time I hope that if she does end up overweight, that I won't ever make her feel like she is not beautiful just the way she is, or less than worthy of everything the world has to offer her...my mom has always been amazing like that for me, and the one person in the world that never made me feel like anything less, even though I know she worried for me. I think we all want to shelter our children though...I am glad my mom was always my cheerleader though, because I really needed one, and I hope I can do that for Story if/when she needs it.

I was reminded that I once told my "fat suit" theory to my twin soul, and I told him the other day how I feel like I have finally escaped from it now.
But I don't feel a lack of identity the way I hear a lot of other WLS patients talk about...I feel like I can finally be who I am without trying. Without having to "fake it"...it reminds me a lot of one of my all time favorite movies, The Last Unicorn (OMG now I sound like such a snowflake millennial comparing myself to a Unicorn right? LOL)...but it's like when the witch captures her and has to put a false horn on her so that people know she is a Unicorn, even though she is a real one...because they can't see her for what she really is.
I gave myself a false horn for a long time, and sometimes it wavered enough for me to think I really was just a mare.

I just had to climb out of my fat suit in order to prove to myself that I was always magical all along.

"I could never pull that off"

"You look so cute in that, but I could never pull it off"...

I've gotten this comment a lot in my lifetime. It's hard sometimes to determine whether it's actually a compliment but I usually choose to take it as a positive remark rather than someone underhandedly telling me that my style is outrageous.

I like to think that I have always exhibited a pretty fashionable sense of style, and I have always been adventurous with my clothing choices, choosing a lot of bright colors, bold prints, interesting shapes and out of the box combinations. I believe I have a clear idea of my personal aesthetic, albeit relatively general and ranging widely in genre. I know what I like and I know what looks good. I usually try to combine them into something that makes me feel amazing.

I also believe that the only reason I can "pull it off" is because I do.
It honestly has nothing to do with my body type...it has everything to do with my personality and my willingness to just try it.

As a child, when allowed to dress myself, I often chose very interesting combinations...there was a period of time around age 10 that I decided I wanted to wear a lacy layered slip as a skirt and I probably wore it 3 times a week. Usually with bright red or blue tights. I admit I was not usually complimented on my style as a kid (quite the opposite) but I was just experimenting with things I liked. I was obsessed with Cyndi Lauper and Madonna and I wanted to wear all the poofy ruffles and lacy layers. I honestly did not give a damn what anyone else thought, because I loved it. Of course, as I got older and kids got meaner, I started to tone it down quite a bit just to avoid ridicule.

By the time I was in high school, "grunge" was a popular style, luckily for me since I was quite overweight by then and I had a really hard time finding age appropriate clothing in my size anywhere. Lane Bryant was around but it was very mature style wise at the time, and the regular department stores did not carry many plus size clothing options back then...but the men's department did. I wore a lot of over sized tee shirts and baggy pants, sneakers, combat boots, flannels and hoodies. I got mistaken for a lesbian more times than I care to admit, but I also found comfort in wearing clothing that helped me "fit in" to a specific crowd of people.

I was always a very artistic kid and the artsy, weird kids were all kind of into the grunge movement. I felt like I belonged and I was able to express myself to like minded people by wearing similar clothes. I think this is still true today--there will always be cliques. Recognizing your people is a lot easier when you can dress in their costumes, right?
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't in love with the clothes I was wearing...I still loved fashion and wanted to dress more feminine but the options were not available to me.

I distinctly remember when the store Torrid first came out because it was like hitting the fashion jackpot for me. I was in my early 20's and still in my sort of "punk-grunge-rock & roll" phase. Torrid was a plus size store that's parent company happened to be Hot Topic (which was different than every other store in the mall in the 90's). I bought Hot Topic accessories, hats, bags, shoes, wallets, etc but I could never buy their clothes and I had so much clothing envy...so when Torrid came along, I was ecstatic!
I probably shopped almost exclusively at Torrid for about 10 years...In the beginning it was super edgy, sort of a niche store (similar to Hot Topic only for plus sizes) and over the years has gotten a bit more mainstream and trendy to appeal to a larger demographic/aesthetic, but they gave me options I had not ever had, and I ran with them.

I rocked that style for years. I wore a lot of black with studs, skulls, mesh, clasps...hot pink, red, purple, black & white stripes...a little gothy, a little punk, a little rock & roll. I had piercings and hot pink hair, and I embraced it. I do not regret any of my choices...I still love those things and I love when other people wear them, but my personal style and aesthetic has obviously changed since then. Not only have fashion trends changed, but I changed.

I had a rough time for a few years, living as an obese middle aged woman, trying to look appropriate for my age and lifestyle, but struggling with finding things I really loved to wear...I didn't like my body, so it was hard to find things that I both liked to look at, and that fit me well. I still loved shopping and trying things on, but often left the store with nothing, either because I hated everything on me, or I just didn't have $80 to spend on a pair of pants (yes that is how much one pair of pants costs in a specialty plus size store).

I had a few staple pieces that I wore a lot--I had several pairs of colorful jeggings, a couple pairs of nice black dress pants, long tank tops to add layers, long flowy tops for coverage, some cardigans for layering...I couldn't wear a lot of my cute shoes at my heaviest because heels hurt my feet too much. Boots were impossible unless I bought them from Lane Bryant or Torrid because I could never get a regular boot over my wide calves, but I styled myself with accessories and still managed to get the "I could never pull that off" comments...it was hard work looking good at a size 26/28...but I took on the challenge. I started to play a lot more with makeup in my mid 30's and it definitely helped my confidence as well.

I honestly believe that "pulling off" any specific look is completely up to whether you decide to do it.
I do think that there are certain pieces that are not necessarily flattering or age appropriate for myself, but I absolutely think that if you love something, you should wear it! For the majority of my life, I avoided any clothing that was yellow because my mom told me it was not my color...I very recently discovered that I actually love wearing yellow (I'm wearing it today in fact) and I don't really mind if it's not my best color. If I see something I like in the store, I am going to try it on, and I will find a way to fit it into my life. If I feel like wearing a sweater with skulls on it, I am going to wear it. (I have one I love now, but I just style it a little differently)

With all that said, my fashion aesthetic has definitely evolved and I am sure it has a little to do with my weight loss and this whole new world of options becoming available to me...but I think has even more to do with fashion trends, my age and my lifestyle. I tend to believe that dressing in some younger styles just makes me look older...or like I am trying too hard, but there is a fine line...for instance, I love a good pair of skinny jeans and a cute top...but I am not ready for the crop tops and I've passed my expiration date for short shorts and mini skirts (I also don't feel confident enough with my loose skin to expose these areas anyway).

I am still always drawn to bold prints like large polka dots, checks and stripes, bright colors and of course mesh/lace and ruffles...but if I wear them now I feel much more self conscious...I think I wore them more when I was heavier because they gave me a sense of self expression that was more readily available in my size. Many other clothing options available to me were a lot more matronly or just outright boring or unflattering.
In my mind, I needed to make an impression...to show the world that I was interesting, to make sure people knew just because I was fat didn't mean I was boring or stupid or less worthy. Human nature is to be judgmental...we make instant judgments without thinking, it's actually part of evolution...and I wanted to give the best first impression I could to give myself a fighting chance at someone looking past my body and learning about everything else I have to offer.

These days I try to tone it down just a little...maybe just pick one bold thing to be a focal point and let it carry the outfit...or use a combination of them but make sure they are cohesive--colors don't always have to "match"...they just need to look good together. Think in terms of color families--jewel tones, neons, primary colors...hold up fabrics next to each other and make a visual judgment. I wore a yellow cardigan the other day with a teal and aqua print top that had absolutely no yellow in it, but it was a mustard yellow and the top was mostly blues so I felt the color families matched. I've paired the same sweater with a floral print/burgundy top for the same reasoning.

I think if you want to experiment with fashion without taking huge risks, start small and work your way up...maybe find a bold pattern you love, and start by styling it with more muted colors, or even find a more conservative piece that you're comfortable wearing (like a blazer or long pencil skirt) but in an unexpected color or print...so you're not so far out of your comfort zone, then eventually you can move it a step up by pairing it with some statement accessories- Jewelry, shoes, or my favorite, eye glasses haha. It's a matter of preference how far you want to take it. Sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone is when you find out your comfort zone is much bigger than you imagined.

If you find yourself seeing something and thinking "I wish I could pull that off"...my feelings are that you should probably try it, because your inner fashionista is screaming at you to give it a shot.

Fashion for figures

Hello again friends!

I thought today I would talk a little bit about the struggles of finding clothes that fit and flatter a not-so-standard figure, especially when it's different than what you've been used to dressing...

I am talking about my own body of course because that is the one I have the most experience with, but I know this can apply to so many people, whether you've got some extra in the middle, maybe you have large hips or a large bust, or maybe even no bust but your butt is bangin', or maybe you have no butt at all...maybe you're post massive weight loss, post-partum, or maybe you've gained weight or are just struggling with other changes your body is going through...
It's never easy when our bodies become unfamiliar to us, especially in a world where clothing comes in "standard sizes" which is actually a bunch of BS anyway since every brand seems to have their own sizing, not to mention all the components of fabrics and styles.


Lately, I try to go into clothes shopping with an open mind and a particular set of questions for myself...

 1.). Obviously the first question is does it fit?--looking for the right size can be daunting especially if you have no idea what size you are or what size you should be wearing. Sometimes you have to try one thing on in several sizes...even if you think you know what size you are.
Women's clothing brands are all over the place when it comes to sizing, and let me tell you, the numbers can cause some crazy emotional rollercoasters, so try not to get too hung up on the number, and pay more attention to how it looks and feels on your body. I might be a size 8 in a stretchy knit pant or skirt, or a 12 in a tailored dress pant with no stretch...Nobody is going to see the tag when I'm wearing it. It may be time consuming, but it's so important to try things on, and if you're ordering from online or a catalog, take your measurements. Go by the sizing charts and read the reviews!
I have a pair of size 8 stretchy skinny pants that are actually loose in the waist, and a pair of dress pants I JUST was able to wear today for the first time that are size 12. (no I did NOT pay $118.00 btw- these were $6 at Savers lol).

2.) Is it a flattering shape/style for my figure? Just because it fits doesn't mean it looks good. Many of the styles that used to look best on me when I was heavier are not so flattering now...I always had an idea in my head of what I would look for when I was shopping as a plus size woman--I was sort of apple shaped and empire waist tops/dresses were very forgiving...I didn't like anything too fitted on my hips/tummy and I didn't typically like anything that was too baggy either because it just made me look bigger. I looked for long tunic style tops to drape over my stomach, and would never have worn anything even remotely cropped or even close to the waist line of my pants. My figure is a completely different shape now though.
I have to look for clothes to help create the illusion of curves where I want them to be, and camouflage some of the lumpy areas or extra skin. If I wear tops that are too long now, they make my legs look dumpy...and I never would've been caught wearing a skirt shorter than knee length before, but now (as long as I can wear some tights or nylons to hold in my skin) I think a mid-thigh skirt can be super flattering and tends to elongate my legs. It's been a lot of trial and error. Take pictures of yourself in the dressing room mirror, even send them to your BFF or significant other for an outsider's opinion...or bring them in with you.
If shapewear makes you more comfortable, then wear it!...especially when you're shopping and trying things on. Look for clothes with fabrics that are forgiving (maybe with a bit of stretch or something more structured for a more tailored look) or things that have built- in support in the areas you're most self conscious about. I love me a good high-waisted pair of pants with tummy control & butt lifting action myself...I can use all the help I can get in that area! Also a top that cinches in at the natural waistline. It creates a nice silhouette and accentuates the narrowest part of waist to give an illusion of a curvier figure.

3.) Is it worth the money? how useful will it be for me and how much will I wear it? can it be mixed/matched with other pieces? can I wear it in different seasons as layers? also, if you're actively losing weight, especially after weight loss surgery, it's pretty rapid...you may only wear a size for a matter of 3 weeks sometimes. Why spend lots of money on something you can only wear maybe one or 2 times? I love going thrift store shopping but it can be time consuming since you don't have several sizes of the same garment available to try on...you kind of just have to take lots of stuff into the dressing room and cross your fingers, but it's such a budget friendly way to replenish staples in your wardrobe when you know you won't be able to wear it more than a handful of times before it doesn't fit anymore. I also try to look at the clearance racks everywhere first, and try not to spend more than $10 on any one piece that won't work if it gets a little too big. I'll spend a tiny bit extra on a decent pair of jeans sometimes, and I've had one pair in each size since I started losing...but never spent more than $18 on one of them.

4/5.) do I actually LIKE it and does it work for my lifestyle? I know it's weird you'd have to ask yourself this, but to be honest it was very easy when I started losing weight for me to get carried away with finding so many things that fit me that I never had the option to wear before that I didn't even stop to think about the fact that I would probably never even have an opportunity or a reason to wear it...I've bought a few things that I never wore or probably never will...some things look great on me, but they just aren't really my style and I know I'd never feel comfortable wearing them, or they just don't fit in with my lifestyle...I mean I am a 40 year old wife and mother, my clubbing and bar hopping days are done. I work full time in a business-casual office setting, so somewhat modest clothing pieces that can be dressed up or down are perfect for me since I can wear it to work and on weekends. I've splurged on the occasional fancy dress for a specific occasion or "just in case" but I've been disappointed when I had to give some of them away with the tags still on because that occasion never came up before it was too big.
I also notice that when I was heavier, I was much more drawn to bold prints, super bright colors and patterns, but when I wear them now, they overpower me a lot more...I still love them but they just don't work for me as well anymore.

I've tried not to buy anything in more than one size down...I don't really believe in "jinxing" myself but I really still don't know where my body is going to level out...I am guessing I am probably close to where I will be trying to maintain, but I am still slowly losing weight and I know that just 5-8 lbs now can mean a whole clothing size, whereas when I was 300+lbs It took about 30-40 lbs before I dropped a size. I also get creative with pinning, hemming, tucking, belting and draping...

the sweater in the second picture is actually something I wore at my heaviest, it's a size 4 from Torrid (which is about a US women's size 28) but I still wear it with leggings sometimes and style with accessories to make it like a baggy off the shoulder sweater. I also loved this sweater when it fit me tighter, but it works this way too.

Now, I can't say that I am great at buying just the staples, because I will be the first to admit, I very rarely repeat the same exact outfit twice...I do, however love to find pieces that I can mix/match, layer and style in lots of different ways, so when I am shopping I keep these things in mind. It might be a sickness, but I swear I am mentally planning outfits in my head several times a day with the pieces I know are in my closet. Sometimes I even plan entire outfits around a pair of shoes I want to wear, or a new necklace I got. It's like a puzzle for me...a game...a creative outlet of mixing patterns, colors, textures, shapes, styles and accessories together to create something unique to my personality.
Clothing is a way to express yourself to the world. It's something I use to showcase my artistic nature, and sometimes it makes me feel powerful. I believe that a great outfit can make your entire day.
More often than not, thinking about my outfit is the thing that makes me excited to get up in the morning.

I understand not everyone has the same love of fashion that I do, but I do believe that anyone can benefit from wearing something that makes them feel like they look their best.
I know that it can sound superficial but I can't help feeling happy when I know I look good...and this goes for ANYONE, any shape, size, body type, etc.
I struggled as a plus size woman for my entire adult life, but I still always took pride in my style and made an effort to dress the body I had the best I could.

I definitely have a lot more options now, but I am just learning what my new style is, and it is exciting!