having the feels.

So, I got an emotional surge the other night when I was going through old photos to share on here for my last post...it didn't really hit me until much later, but I realized that looking at the pictures of me from high school/college and my early 20's made me feel super sad...I never thought of myself as a sad person or depressed back then. I know I wasn't completely happy but I didn't really understand how bad I felt until I stopped feeling it. Don't get me wrong, for the most part, I've always been a relatively optimistic person. I've had my moments but I'd say definitely more good than bad...but

for most of my life I felt like I was trapped in a fat suit and nobody could really see me. 

There are so many people I have heard from after weight loss surgery that talk about trying to figure out who they are after they lose their weight, especially after being obese their entire lives...that obesity defined them and now they struggle with trying to find their identity.

In a way I can relate to this...I definitely feel like at a certain point in my life I tried to embrace the fact that I was a fat girl and that I was going to live my life, and do the best I could with what I had. I had lots of experiences that made me feel like I was still pretty, or worthy, but I don't really remember ever not being completely conscious of the fact that I was the biggest person in the room, and that meant that there was always something different about me...something I felt like I had to overcome or overcompensate for...or especially when I was younger, just try to get by without being singled out.

What I am trying to get to here is so hard for me to explain in words.

I've written this out 6 times now and keep deleting it because it's not coming out right.

I think it's kind of like looking in a mirror and seeing your reflection the way you're always used to seeing it, but in other people's view (reality) your image is always slightly different because it's not flipped backwards.

...or perhaps it's similar to recalling feelings and thoughts you had as a child, remembering things now with a fully developed brain and the processing capability of an adult, but knowing you must have processed it completely different at the time because you were just a kid.

But I guess the closest comparison I can come up with is something I don't have any first hand experience with, but may be similar to a Trans-gender person always knowing their outside doesn't match their inside.

I never felt like I matched my inside.

I wonder sometimes if this is actually a common thing...but for most of my life I felt like if only I could shed my fat suit, I could be this super cool, hip, funny, artistic, talented, smart, amazing person that I knew I was, just buried inside these oppressive layers.
Of course I always was all those things...I knew I was, but I also felt like nobody would ever believe it by looking at me.

A lot of that was completely mental and as I got older I realized that it was up to me to show people what I had to offer and try to repress my lack of confidence...I adopted a "fake it til you make it" sort of approach at certain times...which I have to say, actually usually works...If I exuded confidence and pretended to ignore that I was the fattest person in the room, I felt like other people ignored it more too (again, likely mostly in my own head)...but I was still pretending. I was still lying to myself. I tried to keep lying to myself til I believed it...and sometimes I did...but reality always found it's way back. And I have to admit, it was exhausting.

I hate that I had to try so hard.
That I felt like I had to try so hard.
Maybe I didn't, but I definitely felt different. Better. I felt more accepted when I pretended.

It's no way to live though.

I've lived almost 41 years now. I have had more than twice the years of experience I'd had when I was the girl in those photos, but God, I felt her emotions flooding back to me like it was happening to me all over again...like it was yesterday.

I had so many unrequited crushes, so many wishes to fit in, so many people I wanted to like me and accept me and so many rejections.
I know all teenagers go through it, but it doesn't mean it wasn't real or less hurtful.
I want so badly to go back in time, give that girl some lipstick and a cute outfit, tell her she is going to be amazing, tell her that she IS amazing...that people will see her when she just starts showing them.

Obviously I am not so naive as to think that I am unique in having these feelings...I know adolescence is rough for everyone, and I know that was a critical part of my development. I couldn't change it now anyway, and as much as I would love to be able to tell my 16 year old self that someday I would be loved, I used my emotions to create. Sure, I wrote some terrible angsty poetry, and made some super emo art...but it taught me to channel my feelings in a creative way. I believe without the feelings of isolation, I never would have become so passionate about art...and today, that is how I truly define myself.  I am an artist, regardless of how often I am making art, I am always thinking creatively.
I have a hundred un-made ideas in my head at any given moment. I don't think there is a better way to define my soul, honestly.

I don't know if being fat necessarily made me an artist. That's not even what I am trying to say. I actually don't know if I even have a point or if I am just writing because I needed to get it out, but I know that when I look at those pictures, I have so much pity. I have so many wishes...I love her so much and I hate her naivety. I cringe when I remember some of the things she said and felt and did...and I want to cry and laugh and forget.

I think about my own daughter and how badly I hope for her that she doesn't have to go through what I did, and at the same time I hope that if she does end up overweight, that I won't ever make her feel like she is not beautiful just the way she is, or less than worthy of everything the world has to offer her...my mom has always been amazing like that for me, and the one person in the world that never made me feel like anything less, even though I know she worried for me. I think we all want to shelter our children though...I am glad my mom was always my cheerleader though, because I really needed one, and I hope I can do that for Story if/when she needs it.

I was reminded that I once told my "fat suit" theory to my twin soul, and I told him the other day how I feel like I have finally escaped from it now.
But I don't feel a lack of identity the way I hear a lot of other WLS patients talk about...I feel like I can finally be who I am without trying. Without having to "fake it"...it reminds me a lot of one of my all time favorite movies, The Last Unicorn (OMG now I sound like such a snowflake millennial comparing myself to a Unicorn right? LOL)...but it's like when the witch captures her and has to put a false horn on her so that people know she is a Unicorn, even though she is a real one...because they can't see her for what she really is.
I gave myself a false horn for a long time, and sometimes it wavered enough for me to think I really was just a mare.

I just had to climb out of my fat suit in order to prove to myself that I was always magical all along.